Seeking Virtue Before Wisdom Is A Fatal Mistake

On my entrance in IBA I discovered a world that was totally different from the one I knew till then; though a more accurate description of things would be that I didn't know any world before. I didn't just found myself  surrounded by this world,  being trapped and immersed in this world I had no refugee elsewhere,  I simply couldn't avoid it at any cost.  My contact with this world was intense and continuing with no end in sight. I had no choice but to embrace it,  making myself in it's image was only sane thing to do.
             The first thing which  I noticed is how unprepared I am to navigate my way in this world. I discovered that all the wisdom which I acquired along the years is of no use here. I acknowledge that the bunch of attitudes, behaviours and habits which I developed in recent  years are not suitable for this place. Hence, I suddenly found my self back in the kindergarten of this world and convince myself that for a long time ahead I have to learn like a child.
              Accepting my ignorance and ineptitude regarding this new existence, which so clearly overwhelms me, was not easy. I embraced that I am going to make terrible mistakes,  I embraced that I would be very vulnerable, I embraced that I would have to bear humility and indignation that comes with being a novice and I also embraced that I might have to take a back seat and have to follow a lead of others, whom thoughts and deeds will guide my path.
           None of the decisions I made was easy. I felt like a lost sailor in the midst of chaotic sea. I had no charts and compasses to find my path  in this journey. But I was sure about one thing and that is sitting down is no option. I either could rest where I am and witness the world around me collapsing or I have to wander here and there, facing up and downs,  fight the devils and monsters with the hope of saving the empire which  I build with such an effort from breaking down.
           Like a puzzled nomad I decided to wander. However, learning don't come without costs I soon found out that I have to give up, at least, part of my values and principles. Being heavy and cumbersome they undermines my mobility and maneuverability and make myself vulnerable to the predators that hunt this place . Hence, I concluded that 'seeking virtue before wisdom is a fatal mistake'. A mistake which I made. Therefore , I left with virtue which I can't hold and hold no possession over wisdom.
           Having no wisdom at my disposal I was incapable of being virtuous and survive. More significantly,  it was certainly impossible for me to be virtuous and thrive.  What worsen this situation was the recognition on my part that my virtue is holding me back from acquiring wisdom which I so desperately needed.
            Thus,  I decideded to assume the role of a novice learner and immerse myself into this world free from the chains of virtue and goodness with the hope that one day I master all the tricks of devil and become aware enough of this world then I will returned back to my values and believes with intensity that would be stronger than before .

The Category of Friends

The surprising thing that I noticed about myself is how long I take to accept someone as a friend. I don't know why but my definition of friendship is a very narrow one. I usually don't count someone as a friend unless I concluded that I am truly connected with that person at emotionally and that person is like-minded enough.  Both of these criterions are often difficult to meet. Sometimes I spent days, weeks and months with people without accepting them as friends. Meanwhile, in my heart these people remain strangers. Even though,  I walk, talk and eat with them regularly.
             These categories of friends and strangers are not trivial one, they come with their own consequences . These categories determine how intensely I would connect with people, how much I would allow them to know myself and how much I would  expect from them.  Usually, I found very few people worthy of the label of "friend". Mostly, I put people in the box of 'strangers' which implies that I will never bother to spent much time with them, niether I would troubled much in distancing myself from them.
            The problem I am experiencing  now is that I only have two boxes I also need another box and I think that could be of acquaintances.  I think my definition of friendship is too narrow and leave little space for people who are not closely attached with me, and would never going to be . Therefore, I should loosen my definition of friends a little bit. Or,  create another category for those with whom I can only relate with in rather loose manner.
            At the moment , my understanding of friendship leaves space for only three to four people at a time. These are the people who form the core of my 'inner circle'. Being part of this circle means that I enjoy continuous proximity with these people and won't be afraid of opening up my heart before them at any moment. Where 'inner circle' includes people with whom I once enjoyed same level emotional proximity but it's not true anymore.
           Unfortunately, the sensation of emotional proximity with someone is a fragile one and whenever someone from the core of my inner circle moves away for a good enough amount of time I found myself unable to recognize him or her at emotional level again. And,  that person become very much stranger for me. This is the one reason that I have so few friends, my definition of 'friends' only offer a space for 'few' people.