Time to Come Out of My Mind and Being, October 12, 2017

I am writing this entry to note one of the important characteristic of my self.I noted that the most  of my focus remain directed inside my mind rather than the surrounding world. Doesn't matter wherever I am, or whatever I am doing,I mostly live inside my mind. Unless my surroundings has some extraordinary quality that wouldn't let my mind distract. I, particularity, ignore the details, and minute changes that happens in my surroundings. I just give my exterior only enough focus that can allow me to operate meaningfully. Apart from that I put most of the processing power of my brain to the processing of data I already have inside it. This is not something that I deliberately do.
       I never have surroundings that are inspiring enough to deserve my attention. Most of the external reality which I experienced in my childhood was repetitive in nature. It lacked the aesthetic appeal and social drama to captivate me. Neither, I had the choice of moving around to overcome the redundancy of my surroundings.                             Aadditionally, my imagination was good enough to produce things that can truly entertain me. Hence, I loved reading fantasy stories in my childhood and you cannot love or enjoy fantasy stories if you don't have an imaginative mind.This is why still I live mostly inside my mind. And, no doubt it has many benefits.It allow me to process the data that I acquire.
         Since, by living mostly inside my mind I can process information multimate times longer than anyone else.This enables me to reach the depths of question I want to explore. Because my thinking machine runs longer than anyone else.Thus, it is not surprising that it produces ideas and thoughts that are far better in their quality than most of other people.This increased processing time of my brain allows me to 'digest' the information I acquire , excellently.
       No doubt that I my self enjoy this thing. Simply, because mind allows u to look at things beyond the limitations of space and time, it also allow me to have my hands over the limitless information that I gathered over the years.This is why I found this  experience addictive.Observing my surroundings and analyzing my exterior won't allow me to do that.Moreover, my inner world has the flexibility which external reality can't offer.Inside my mind I can easily transcend the restrictions of matter and can reach the level of abstraction where I can mold,reshape, combine and divide ideas in whatever fashion I want. This sacred space even allow me to ignore the laws of  physics and imagine new worlds, travel in time and invent  new things.
        Though, this all has a price.By ignoring my surroundings I detach my self from reality.I want to be fully present in the moment,I want to feel the world around me  fully.And, this all can only  happen if I would be able to turn off my thinking machine and can connect with the world outside of me.If I truly connect my self to external world, it would make my me feel more alive,and make my self better able to deal with normal day realities.By ignoring this external world I lost a huge amount of data that could provide me some meaningful insights and can advance my growth.My inability to focus on the external reality not only undermine my functionality but also my relationships.
       Relatively speaking I am far from the place where I started.Today I am many times present in the moment then few years ago.Three years ago my brain work like a formula one racing car that is functioning on auto-driver.I had difficulty to control the flow of my thoughts or at least slow down the speed with which thoughts are  running inside my mind. However, I had little success, regardless of my efforts my mind follow its own will and I have to follow it weather I like it or not.Therefore, even when I am eating ,walking or sitting with people my mind kept thinking things that has nothing to do with the present moment.
      This made me very much dysfunctional; I forgot things ,make childish mistakes and demonstrate surprising ignorance of my surroundings.Today ,I have far better control of  my mind.And, in order to  thrive I should take the reigns of my thoughts.Only when I would be able to hold the reigns of my thoughts I would be able to control my body.My awkwardness in social interactions was largely a result of this blindness to surroundings.I should master my thoughts so that I can direct them in whatever direction I want.This means I hold the choice of focusing inside or outside of my mind. No doubt being able to focus on external world , and being truly present in it make life much more colorful.This will also help me grow and provide me information that I needed to operate in this material,social reality.Only when I would be able to impose order on my mind I can order my body and my daily life. My mismanagement and disorderly nature certainly rooted in this deposition of losting into my imagination.
        If there is someone who know what it is like to live inside oneself, and being lost inside one self, then this person is  me.But the time has come when I need to come out of my self and put my self into the centre of the world I surrounds.The practice of mindfulness can certainly help me in this goal, in a way writing did. Writing penzu enable me to get rid of my obsessive compulsive thinking.Before I started to write Penzu I tend to repeat same thoughts again and again in my mind.This tendency was very much tiresome, and torturing but this was a sort of mechanism that allowed me to remember my ideas.By writing down my thoughts in Penzu I saved my self from this annoying practice.Now I need to move this achievement to another level and truly master my mind, and my body consequently, which certainly enable me to master the world.

Seeking Virtue Before Wisdom Is A Fatal Mistake

On my entrance in IBA I discovered a world that was totally different from the one I knew till then; though a more accurate description of things would be that I didn't know any world before. I didn't just found myself  surrounded by this world,  being trapped and immersed in this world I had no refugee elsewhere,  I simply couldn't avoid it at any cost.  My contact with this world was intense and continuing with no end in sight. I had no choice but to embrace it,  making myself in it's image was only sane thing to do.
             The first thing which  I noticed is how unprepared I am to navigate my way in this world. I discovered that all the wisdom which I acquired along the years is of no use here. I acknowledge that the bunch of attitudes, behaviours and habits which I developed in recent  years are not suitable for this place. Hence, I suddenly found my self back in the kindergarten of this world and convince myself that for a long time ahead I have to learn like a child.
              Accepting my ignorance and ineptitude regarding this new existence, which so clearly overwhelms me, was not easy. I embraced that I am going to make terrible mistakes,  I embraced that I would be very vulnerable, I embraced that I would have to bear humility and indignation that comes with being a novice and I also embraced that I might have to take a back seat and have to follow a lead of others, whom thoughts and deeds will guide my path.
           None of the decisions I made was easy. I felt like a lost sailor in the midst of chaotic sea. I had no charts and compasses to find my path  in this journey. But I was sure about one thing and that is sitting down is no option. I either could rest where I am and witness the world around me collapsing or I have to wander here and there, facing up and downs,  fight the devils and monsters with the hope of saving the empire which  I build with such an effort from breaking down.
           Like a puzzled nomad I decided to wander. However, learning don't come without costs I soon found out that I have to give up, at least, part of my values and principles. Being heavy and cumbersome they undermines my mobility and maneuverability and make myself vulnerable to the predators that hunt this place . Hence, I concluded that 'seeking virtue before wisdom is a fatal mistake'. A mistake which I made. Therefore , I left with virtue which I can't hold and hold no possession over wisdom.
           Having no wisdom at my disposal I was incapable of being virtuous and survive. More significantly,  it was certainly impossible for me to be virtuous and thrive.  What worsen this situation was the recognition on my part that my virtue is holding me back from acquiring wisdom which I so desperately needed.
            Thus,  I decideded to assume the role of a novice learner and immerse myself into this world free from the chains of virtue and goodness with the hope that one day I master all the tricks of devil and become aware enough of this world then I will returned back to my values and believes with intensity that would be stronger than before .

The Category of Friends

The surprising thing that I noticed about myself is how long I take to accept someone as a friend. I don't know why but my definition of friendship is a very narrow one. I usually don't count someone as a friend unless I concluded that I am truly connected with that person at emotionally and that person is like-minded enough.  Both of these criterions are often difficult to meet. Sometimes I spent days, weeks and months with people without accepting them as friends. Meanwhile, in my heart these people remain strangers. Even though,  I walk, talk and eat with them regularly.
             These categories of friends and strangers are not trivial one, they come with their own consequences . These categories determine how intensely I would connect with people, how much I would allow them to know myself and how much I would  expect from them.  Usually, I found very few people worthy of the label of "friend". Mostly, I put people in the box of 'strangers' which implies that I will never bother to spent much time with them, niether I would troubled much in distancing myself from them.
            The problem I am experiencing  now is that I only have two boxes I also need another box and I think that could be of acquaintances.  I think my definition of friendship is too narrow and leave little space for people who are not closely attached with me, and would never going to be . Therefore, I should loosen my definition of friends a little bit. Or,  create another category for those with whom I can only relate with in rather loose manner.
            At the moment , my understanding of friendship leaves space for only three to four people at a time. These are the people who form the core of my 'inner circle'. Being part of this circle means that I enjoy continuous proximity with these people and won't be afraid of opening up my heart before them at any moment. Where 'inner circle' includes people with whom I once enjoyed same level emotional proximity but it's not true anymore.
           Unfortunately, the sensation of emotional proximity with someone is a fragile one and whenever someone from the core of my inner circle moves away for a good enough amount of time I found myself unable to recognize him or her at emotional level again. And,  that person become very much stranger for me. This is the one reason that I have so few friends, my definition of 'friends' only offer a space for 'few' people.